I'm done.

Think whatever you want about me. I'm so tired of people starting petty drama and trying to pin it on me. I have much better things to do right now in my life then what you want to accuse me of. AND SERIOUSLY!?! the fact that you would think I would do something that immature and childish makes me think that much less of you. I'm so done with you. I don't care anymore if I ever speak to you ever again. I'm so tired of everything. This has been the hardest two months of my life lately and i've dealt with worse than this. I need a break. Please God just give me a break. I'm so ready to get out of Georgia for a week and get away. I'm rambling but I just needed to get this out. I know who the *TRUE* people in my life are and I regret EVER thinking you were worth my time and energy...

Cause inside you're ugly, ugly like me...

*Disclaimer: if you have access to this blog it's because I trust you enough to let you into my true thoughts, feelings and emotions.. If you feel you're going to pass judgement or spread gossip please go ahead and remove yourself from my blog. This is my journey. These are the raw emotions that *I* have to deal with....*

There's a time in life, a point in every relationship, or just a life changing step that you come to a cross road where you have to make a decision. If the relationship is good or healthy, you continue on your way... happy. If things have changed, both parties are un-happy or one or the other is unwilling to work to make it work then most the time it's mutual and you part ways.

But sometimes it's not always that easy, the writing isn't always so black and white. When it comes to the matters of the heart i've learned sometimes it's hard to listen to what your head is telling you when your heart feels something totally different. It happens though..where you realize that there's a point when you have to give up and move on.. not because you want to but because you NEED to, because it's what's best for you, the future, and what you deserve.

I never in a million years would think that the person that would be the father of my baby would totally flip and act like he no longer even cared about me. That he would be so harsh to drive by my work one night with another girl in the truck, just a few days after telling him our big news. I never imagined that a person I knew for over 10 years, was extremely close with and trusted more than most and can even say I loved, could hurt me the way he has and be able to tell me that "we were just friends having fun and now we'll have to live with that". That's definitely NOT the impression I was under for the past 6 months.

But thank you for telling me that just because i'm pregnant with your child you aren't going to marry me let alone spend the rest of your life with me. Thank you. Thank you for telling me ahead of time, I never thought that just because I was pregnant we would run off and get married. I never expected you to treat me the way you have lately though. While i'm sick, scared and laying in a hospital bed alone worried about my health and the health of our baby you can't even give me the compassion to tell me you were worried about me. Granted i'm glad you showed so much concern about the baby, what about me? I am the mother of your child. You apparently had some kind of feelings for me at one point. And don't you dare say you didn't. When I told you I wished you were there with me because I was alone... all you can say is "your mom didn't take you?"

what the fuck kind of response is that. I don't know who you are anymore. You're not the person I thought you were. I'll never deny you your right to your child but you have a lot of proving to do. I will NEVER let my child experience the hurt and pain I did when it comes to "so-called father's" growing up. Make up your mind and stick with it. My child is my heart, my soul and my life now. From the minute I saw him/her on the screen I vowed to protect my little monster with all I have. Go ahead and break my heart into a million pieces but tread carefully it's not about you or me anymore and I won't let you yo-yo him/her around like you have me. It's about this new life we've created.

While writing this I had my iTunes going on shuffle.. the song to play while most of this was going was Staind's Ugly like Me.... pretty much perfect for the way I feel.

" And you
Can bring me to my knees
Yeah

All this time
That I could make you breathe
Yeah

All the times
That I felt insecure
Yeah

And I leave
A burning path of flame

(Chorus)
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All this time
That I felt like this won’t add
Once for you

And I taste
What I could never have
It’s from you

All those times
That I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And I waist
More time than anyone

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend

And I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
But I know

That I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you"

"You need to go to the ER.."

Possibly some of the scariest words someone can tell you early on in your pregnancy. Yesterday [Nov. 18, 2010] I woke up at 4AM with the worst headache i've ever had in my life. I literally thought my head was going to explode. I couldn't even sit up it was that bad. I text my mom that my head hurt and I still haven't been able to keep anything down. She told me to call my dr when he opened up. For the previous 48 hours I had been saying my prayers to the porcelain God every single time I put anything in my mouth. I couldn't even keep water down.

At 9 o'clock I called my Dr and got the nurse. I told her what was going on. She told me I needed to be sipping water, this is where I got a little snippy and told her that I have been but havent been able to keep anything down... at all. When she asked if I had any other symptoms I told her mild cramping. She tells me to hold on. When she finally comes back on the line she says "Dr. Dueno says you need to go to the ER." Right there a million thoughts came into my head. I woke my sister up and told her she needed to drive me to the hospital.

We arrive at Memorial and I sign in and wait.. and wait and wait what seemed like forever. When they finally took me back into triage to get my vitals they acted like I was just experiencing some "flu-like symptoms" . [This is where I completely understand why some people lose all faith and respect for some in the medical field.] I kept telling the nurse that I'm not running a fever and I'm not experiencing any chills. He hands me a urine specimen cup and tells me they're going to need one. So it's back out to the waiting room. 5 mins later they call me back and take me to a room and leave me there. Nobody tells me anything. I'm by myself and i'm miserable. A nurse walking by comes in and tells me i'm going to need to change into the gown and brings me a warm blanket. I wait.. and wait.. and wait. Finally the Dr comes in. Dr. Marshall was amazing. He examined me and ordered that I be hooked up to and IV and monitored. The nurse that comes is to start my IV was a little snotty, she tells me i'm going to have to give them a urine sample... when I told her that wasn't going to happen she gave me a look. The lab tech comes in to draw blood and i'm left in the room alone.. freezing. Another nurse comes in to check on me, hook me up to more monitors and switches out my empty fluid bag for another one.

More laying there.. waiting.. I'm through with my second liter of fluids when Dr. Marshall walks in to check on me. He unhooks me from everything, ties my robe up for me and shows me where the bathroom was. I was finally able to give them their damn sample. He also orders juice for me to drink. I come out of the bathroom, the nice nurse comes in and checks out some stuff and gives me my juice.. About 30 minutes later Dr Marshall comes back in wheeling an ultrasound machine. We check the little monster who totally looks like a baby now and not so much a gummy bear :) He/she has a strong heartbeat and we're both happy with how the baby is. He tells me what he's going to prescribe me, gives me a few instructions and tells me i'm good to go. I get my discharge papers and FINALLY was able to leave.... Talk about a huge relief.

One Day.. you might regret it.

"A bad word whispered can echo a hundred miles..." -Chinese Proverb

I've recently had to think about a lot that's gone on and been said lately or even not said in a couple circumstances. There are just somethings that shouldn't be said, even in anger, hate or disbelief. When the time comes down the road you'll really regret what you said and what it did to the person you said it to. I don't want to make this a long post but if you're reading this I just want you to think more of what you say next time you're hurt, in a huge argument with someone you care about or just plain out mad. Are you going to regret it later? Will the sting of the words still be there after the words are long gone and said? Do you really want that person to hold the hurt forever?

When it's all said and done you might finally get a taste of your own medicine. It might be a bitter pill to swallow.

"Keep your words soft and tender because tomorrow you might have to eat them."  

First Trimester

I'm trying to make it my goal to keep some of the important milestones documented.. we'll see how this goes. On the 16th my morning sickness started and was in full swing. I was about 6 weeks a long and didn't get relief until 10 weeks. [Here's to hoping it stays that way. I'm currently 11 weeks and almost done with the first trimester [thank ya jesus, halleluyer!]. I'm such a baby when it comes to being sick as it is but boy did that teach me a lesson or two. Why do they call is morning sickness anyways? Most women I know say it should be called "all day" sickness. Mine only really hit me hard during the early afternoon to late in the night.

10 weeks

11 weeks (pardon the undies)

The pregnancy was confirmed by my health dept October 19 and my first OB appt was the 28.

Now that the morning sickness has subsided there's other lovely issues pregnancy brings about, but i'll spare you all the gross details. I think the most amazing thing for me was seeing the baby on the ultrasound for the first time. [11/02- 9.5 weeks] Laying there on the table as this tiny little gummy bear popped up on the monitor made everything so real. I cried. Yes, the girl who hates dealing with emotions and being vulnerable - cried. This was also the day I learned my actual due date.... June 3, 2011  <3

But how could you not instantly love something so amazing like that?!

So just a little bit longer and i'll be heading into the 2nd Trimester.. just in time for Andrew to come home from this 5 week course he's been gone to thanks to the Army...

Oh Baby Daddy...

You know there's somethings you just don't want to have to tell someone.... "I'm Pregnant" in the right or wrong, I guess however you look at it, circumstance can be one of those things. It's October 2nd and i've taken the EPT. I'm pregnant and now I have to tell Andrew. I knew he'd be at Brycelyn and Jeremy's wedding. I didn't feel like going, ha.. wonder why? and I couldn't get a hold of him on his phone.

Finally Sunday rolls around [Oct. 3rd] and I text him around Noon telling him we needed to talk. His response was "That doesn't sound good."  [ Ohh boy you have noooooo idea. ] We made plans that after he was finished with his errands he would call me and more than likely i'd come over so we could talk.

The day drug on.. and on and on. Finally 8 rolls around and I send him another text asking him if we were going to talk or not.. He caught a little bit of an attitude, I caught one back and pretty much dropped the bomb on him. I didn't want to do it through a text message but the moment called for it.

"what"     is all I got back.

I sent him another reply... nothing back for almost 5 minutes so I sent him the picture of the test.

"come over and we'll talk"

So I headed over to his house. I sat on the couch and he sat in the recliner. There was a lot of awkward silence... a few curse words here and there and more awkward silence. To say the least we didn't talk much that night. I finally left around midnight, he walked me out to my car and gave me a big hug. I could have collapsed right then.

It didn't quite go as I had planned but it was out there now.

I'm sure he was thinking this that very moment..

The Big Suprise

Things were going great. Work was fine, I was enjoying my second job as a Miller Lite Girl, Andrew and I were doing fine and I honestly didn't have a worry in sight. It was the week of my birthday and we had plans to go see Luke Bryan in concert Sept. 29th seeing as I had to work the next day for my actual birthday. We went and had a blast. It was perfect & I couldn't think of a better way or person to spend that night celebrating with.

 Before :)

Luke <3  

End of the night :)


The next morning we woke up, hung out around the house and eventually I went off to work. That weekend was Brycelyn & Jeremy's wedding.. I had to work friday night as well. The whole night I just had a feeling something was up with my body. Deep down I already knew.

When I got off work I called my best friend, Monique and picked her up [after buying the pregnancy tests.] I didn't want to take it at my house and we couldn't do it at hers so our next best bet was to drive to a Parker's [classy, huh?] I did what I had to do and we waited... There was a super faint line and i'm thinking a HUGE chance i'm just over thinking things. [Okay so it's a bad habit already, I overanalyze.] So I called someone I knew would have experience with this whole pregnancy thing, my best friend Danielle. She told me my best bet would be to wait until the next morning to take it.

So I did. As soon as I woke up the next morning I took the second test. I brought the test back into my room and laid it on my bed infront of Moe. We waited for what seemed like an eternity. I had Moe check it.... and honestly all I remember is the look on Moe's face as she said... "Chels, you're pregnant."

Even though deep down I knew, the signs were there blatantly slapping me in the face... I was late, my boobs felt like boulders on fire and boy could I smell what Joe Schmo was wearing before he entered the room. It still hit me. HARD... Me... PREGNANT!?!?!

I cried. I was in denial. Didn't want to believe it at first. Cried some more. Moe took me to McDonald's and bought me breakfast trying to cheer me up. [ P.S- I love you girl! I know you tried your hardest that day!] I just didn't have the appetite to eat. I had to tell Andrew. That in itself would be a whole different story.