Cause inside you're ugly, ugly like me...

*Disclaimer: if you have access to this blog it's because I trust you enough to let you into my true thoughts, feelings and emotions.. If you feel you're going to pass judgement or spread gossip please go ahead and remove yourself from my blog. This is my journey. These are the raw emotions that *I* have to deal with....*

There's a time in life, a point in every relationship, or just a life changing step that you come to a cross road where you have to make a decision. If the relationship is good or healthy, you continue on your way... happy. If things have changed, both parties are un-happy or one or the other is unwilling to work to make it work then most the time it's mutual and you part ways.

But sometimes it's not always that easy, the writing isn't always so black and white. When it comes to the matters of the heart i've learned sometimes it's hard to listen to what your head is telling you when your heart feels something totally different. It happens though..where you realize that there's a point when you have to give up and move on.. not because you want to but because you NEED to, because it's what's best for you, the future, and what you deserve.

I never in a million years would think that the person that would be the father of my baby would totally flip and act like he no longer even cared about me. That he would be so harsh to drive by my work one night with another girl in the truck, just a few days after telling him our big news. I never imagined that a person I knew for over 10 years, was extremely close with and trusted more than most and can even say I loved, could hurt me the way he has and be able to tell me that "we were just friends having fun and now we'll have to live with that". That's definitely NOT the impression I was under for the past 6 months.

But thank you for telling me that just because i'm pregnant with your child you aren't going to marry me let alone spend the rest of your life with me. Thank you. Thank you for telling me ahead of time, I never thought that just because I was pregnant we would run off and get married. I never expected you to treat me the way you have lately though. While i'm sick, scared and laying in a hospital bed alone worried about my health and the health of our baby you can't even give me the compassion to tell me you were worried about me. Granted i'm glad you showed so much concern about the baby, what about me? I am the mother of your child. You apparently had some kind of feelings for me at one point. And don't you dare say you didn't. When I told you I wished you were there with me because I was alone... all you can say is "your mom didn't take you?"

what the fuck kind of response is that. I don't know who you are anymore. You're not the person I thought you were. I'll never deny you your right to your child but you have a lot of proving to do. I will NEVER let my child experience the hurt and pain I did when it comes to "so-called father's" growing up. Make up your mind and stick with it. My child is my heart, my soul and my life now. From the minute I saw him/her on the screen I vowed to protect my little monster with all I have. Go ahead and break my heart into a million pieces but tread carefully it's not about you or me anymore and I won't let you yo-yo him/her around like you have me. It's about this new life we've created.

While writing this I had my iTunes going on shuffle.. the song to play while most of this was going was Staind's Ugly like Me.... pretty much perfect for the way I feel.

" And you
Can bring me to my knees
Yeah

All this time
That I could make you breathe
Yeah

All the times
That I felt insecure
Yeah

And I leave
A burning path of flame

(Chorus)
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All this time
That I felt like this won’t add
Once for you

And I taste
What I could never have
It’s from you

All those times
That I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And I waist
More time than anyone

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend

And I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
But I know

That I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you"