One of those days.

Today, my BEAUTIFUL baby girl is a month old. It's insane how fast time flies by. It seems like just yesterday I was going into the hospital to have her. She is absolutely amazing.. and i'm not just saying that because she's mine. I'm saying it because she is. I love waking up and seeing her adorable little smile. I love hearing her little laugh. It's amazing to me how much she's already grown from that 6lb 3 oz little baby girl I brought home.

If I was a betting woman i'd say she's close to 8lbs now. She LOVES to eat, it's seems like she's always hungry and i'm always having to nurse her... but it's our special time. She is such a wiggle worm. That definitely doesn't surprise me though, she's been active from the beginning.. I was 13 weeks when I first felt her move if that tells you anything. Her hair is getting more red to it (YAY!). Her eyes are a light gray blue most the time & I can't wait to see what color they really turn. She loves bath time, just like her mommy does... and most of all she's a mama's girl. There is no other place she'd rather be then right near me. Her favorite place is laying on my chest; right near my hear.. and honestly there is no other place i'd rather her be.

Today has also been...rough? I guess that's the word to use for it. I wake up and spend my whole day with her. She's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. So I guess I don't understand how someone who can claim they want to be there for their daughter, isn't. I have my suspicions. I'm sure someone is leading him on to believe that it's because *I* want him back... maybe months ago I thought we could work things out and be a happy family that I've always wanted for my kids. I never wanted any child of mine to ever have the "dad" issues I had growing up as a child.. Maybe months ago I had the delusional dream that we could.. That was months ago. All i've wanted is for her to have a good relationship with him. So you say, well she's only a month old... she doesn't really know what's going on.

BULLSHIT.

Yep, to me that's complete and utter bullshit. She knows the difference. She knows who I am. She knows who my mom is and my sister. She even knows who her "Aunt Winny" is. And that's because those people are there, in her life. They (meaning my mom, sister and my friends) make an EFFORT to see her. To be there, to spend time with her. Just because she's a newborn doesn't mean there isnt the bond there. All I've wanted is for him to take the initiative to be her DAD... because there is a hell of a difference between someone who is a "father" and a "dad".

The more that time goes on the more I dread it.. If you're not going to be in her life, if you're not going to make her your number one priority.. then just let it go. Let US move on with our lives. Let me move on with my life and find someone who loves her like his own, cares about her and wants to be her dad.... I can't keep her from him, if he really wants to be in her life.. he can be and he will be. But all i'm saying is if you're going to call yourself "McKinleigh's dad" and claim her as yours.... ACT LIKE IT....